I just stood there as Jon kissed me with no real reaction and he sucked on my lips like a vaccum. He didn't invade my mouth because he knew better. He just worked on my lips for a good 30 seconds before finally pulling off.
"God you're so fucking cute Jason. I'm sorry if I stepped over the line but I just couldn't help myself after not seeing you in person for so long." He turned around, put his arms behind his head and looked up at the noon sky.
I was still just standing there, trying to process my first kiss. It was nice, but it certainly wasn't what I expected.
"Yeah I'm pretty great I know."
That comment snapped me back to reality. "What the actual fuck Jon? Why are you so infatuated with me? You were fucking 3 girls last year while you were trying to get into my pants. What happened to them?" My blood boiled at his arrogance.
"How did you find out?"
"Jenna really fucking hates you if you haven't caught on yet. She doesn't trust you and she lets me know what you're doing when you aren't putting on this act for me."
"You still think it's an act? Christ man you have some real demons down there." He turned back around and came closer to me, he picked up my chin and stared directly into my eyes. "Sorry again if you think this is some act to get into your pants but it's not. It's been well over half a year since I first took you out. If I was looking for a fuck I would of just hit up one of the sluts in my phone, in fact I did for a while but nowadays I'm just looking to get to know myself before we all move off to college"
I slapped his hand away and walked up the steps to my house. "Oh so I'm just some experiment to you? Fuck off."
"Poor wording sorry what I mean is..."
"No Jon fuck off I'm not some fucking toy that you can experiment your sexuality on." I was on the verge of shouting at this point. "Get out of here and don't fucking talk to me ever again, whatever shitty experiment you tried on me has clearly failed. Maybe you can go find some stupid closeted nerd to use."
"Jason hold on..."
I slammed the door and that was that.
My head was spinning from the rage. I walked over to my kitchen to take a seat. As soon as I sat down I saw an envelope with my name on it. As I mentioned my parents were never around as they had some multi-million dollar business to take care of all over the world. Something about insurance and investing, I never really paid attention because they did the same to me. I opened the envelope and started to read the letter enclosed.
We're off to Texas for the next two weeks so we'll be missing your birthday. Sorry for the inconvenience we hope that the money enclosed will make up for it. Have a party while we're away and just call the Housekeeper the next day. We trust you.
Mom and Dad"
I rolled my eyes. Why would they be here for my 18th birthday on Friday? When have they ever been here for anything? I opened the envelope wide and found the check they left. They left me a grand. This was par for the course really. I could have anything I wanted if I asked except for the one thing I ever wanted from them. My home was hardly broken, my parents just thought that making money for our future was more valuable than raising me. I had several nannies when I was growing up and they were always cold and unfeeling. Just stupid bitches coming to do their job every day and leaving at night. That stopped around 8th grade when I could "take care of myself" as my parents said. After that there was just some housekeeper that came by while I was at school every other day. I've grown to accept their decisions because of how little say I had in them, it was just pure shit however. I folded the check into my wallet and walked over to the liquor cabinet.
Dad restocked the cabinet before he left again. I have no idea why he does this when I drink 80% of it myself but I'm not one to complain. I pulled out some grey goose vodka and poured a shot to calm my nerves. Everything was shit as usual and I genuinely didn't know any other way to cope except drink. Jenna was dating the guy that made my childhood a living hell, Jon drove me insane with his motives and to top it all off my parents still didn't understand how little money matters to me if I could just have a nice meal with them. I texted Jenna what happened with Jon, took another shot, picked up my keys and headed for my Lexus. Might as well get some food before I shut down completely.
The town of Astrin wasn't a small hick town like you normally see in the middle of Pennsylvania. We had Plainvell road with everything you could possibly want on it. There was a large park on one end and an even bigger shopping center on the other, with random assorted shops and restaurants in between. The chipotle was in the shopping center so it was about a 10 minute drive. I parked near the front so I didn't have to walk very far. The mission was grab a burrito and head home. After years of alcoholism combined with a shitty diet led me to knowing how to control my movements and speech while drunk, at least I thought so. I wasn't that drunk right now honestly, it was only 2 shots so interacting with the Chipotle workers wasn't that much of a struggle.
Somewhere between picking up my food and walking to my car I decided it was too far for my stomach so I found a bench and ate my proportionally large lunch. I hated eating honestly, it's why I was so thin. I didn't take care of myself in any way shape or form but between the cigarettes curbing my appetite and the booze knocking me out I just didn't care to feed myself very much. Sitting down for a meal by myself was something I dreaded heavily because it was my worst nightmare, me alone with my thoughts. Today my thoughts were primarily occupied by Jon. What an asshole he was. Jenna warned me about anything and everything Jon did to deter me away from him, and she ended up being right. I don't know why I didn't listen and let him play with my mind. I regretted giving him any form of attention, now I'll always have to remember that he was my first kiss.
Halfway through the burrito I felt disgusting and threw out the rest. It was a combination of my thoughts, the food and the vodka and I knew I couldn't eat anymore. I glanced at my phone for the time, "2:15". Jenna would be out of class soon and probably stop by to make sure I hadn't killed myself so I should probably head home. I probably had time for another drink if I hurried up.
Another ten minutes later I got home safe, I drive buzzed more than I would like to admit so I've gotten really good at it. The key is to take things slow so you have time to make small reactions. I threw my keys on the table by the door and walked back into the kitchen. My house was pretty big for the area. Ground floor consisted of a living room, dining room and kitchen like I imagine every other house of this size.
My living room was never used. Pristine white rug, 2 leather couches that look like they had been used no more than twenty times in the ten years they had been there, a glass coffee table and various paintings and potted plants to make sure the room looked full. The housekeeper did a nice job of changing out the plants every couple of weeks to keep it fresh should my parents actually choose to spend more than a day at home. In the corner was my dad's liquor cabinet. I don't know why I keep calling it my dad's when I'm the one in it daily.
Anyone who had ever watched a cooking show on the food network knows exactly what my kitchen looks like. It was comical how my mom literally pulled it out of a magazine. An empty top of the line double door fridge, a 10 burner stove that was never used for anything other than midnight ramen, several huge black marble counters and plenty of space for the non-existent appliances and cookware in drawers and cabinets. There was a nice circular table in the dining room right next to the kitchen, again maintained but never used.
I sat on the couch with a bottle of jack and took a gulp. I was just so fucking mad over everything that had happened today I honestly just wanted to pass out and wake up in the morning. About an hour of me sitting in the daylight and I began to wonder where Jenna was. I popped out my phone and shot her a quick text.
"Where r u? I'm bored."
"Sorry hun. Mark wanted to hit the gym early today, I'll see if I can stop by before work, I close from six to eleven tonight."
Fucking Houston ruining my life again. I took a larger drink from the bottle to suppress my anger. What a fucking piece of shit. He just had to make me miserable at any chance he got.
"Don't bother you need to do your homework." I managed to use text to speech to send that lie out. I honestly wanted her to come so I had a shoulder to cry on. I hated myself, my life, the person I was. I could have all the friends in the world and be happy having the time of my life. Instead I'm a fucking venomous snake shooting poison at anyone who comes close.
I got up from the couch, still clutching the bottle of jack in my hand and wandered downstairs to my floor. I needed to lay down in my bed. Hopefully some rest would make me feel a little bit better.
A bunch of pillars holding up the house separated the two sides of the floor. One side was my bed and all my video games, my top of the line computer all hooked up on my 50" flat screen TV. The other was an empty space currently occupied by a cot that Jenna crashed on when she stayed over. To right of the cot was my walk-in closet and the left was my bathroom and the laundry room. I didn't have any decorations set up because I didn't give a shit what my room looked like because only my parents, the housekeeper and Jenna were ever down there. That was about to change though as I really needed someone to talk to after my best friend decided to ditch me for her piece of shit boyfriend.
I layed in my bed for another half hour and drank a bit more to numb my mind. I just didn't wanna think anymore. I just wanted to not wake up in the morning knowing nobody would give a shit. "It was bound to happen eventually." "He would have died of a liver disease anyways." "It's not like anyone actually cares." I had these suicidal thoughts constantly in my drunken state, it wasn't as bad as it sounds because of how numbed I was. I sat up and lit a cigarette. My parents bitched about smoking in the house on occasion but the housekeeper got wise and always brought some air freshener every few days to keep smell down. She loved how easy her job was and how much she was paid so she took little steps to make sure she wouldn't lose it. While I took a drag I looked at my phone, another text from Jenna.
"Thanks for thinking of me. I think your right I need to do my homework so I can spend more time with you during the week." I thought that was a lie, she just wanted more time to get fucked by that asshole. "I promise I'll be there after work tommorow and stay over. Just hold out for a day ok?"
Hold out for a day? She had no idea how fucking difficult it was for me to hold out for a few hours let alone a day. I decided laying down wasn't helping anymore so I stumbled over to my bathroom so I could look in the mirror. I honestly looked diseased in my current state, I clearly wasn't taking care of myself. Scrawny, could barely keep my eyes open, hunched over and pale as a ghost. I threw my shirt and pants into the hamper and stumbled back into my bed looking for my phone. I hopped under the covers in my black boxer briefs and stumbled through my contacts.
"Whats up Jason? You ok? Im really sorry about today."
"Shut up and get over here, front doors open and im downstairs. Come get what you want."
"What do you mean what I want?"
"Just come here and you'll see." I managed to type before putting my phone down and passing out.
"Jason I'm here." Jon woke me up about fifty minutes later. "Where are you? I bought dinner."
He would find the stairs to my floor eventually, I turned over and smiled a bit when he finally walked downstairs with the takeout he clearly got from his parents. He looked good in his varsity jacket and black slacks, he must have just got off work.
"It fucking reeks of smoke in here man holy shit." He walked over to me. "Are you ok?"
"Just get under the covers with me. Take off your shirt too."
"How drunk are you right now Jason?"
"Why the fuck does it matter? Just get in bed with me I know it's what you want."
Jon shook his head. "I'm sorry I kissed you today Jason...you clearly weren't ready and you definitely aren't ready now." He sat down on my bed next to me, caressing my messed up hair. "I caused this mess and I'm gonna stay here till I fix it. Where are your parents?"
"In fucking Texas for two weeks." I swatted his hand away and turned over. "Whatever you don't wanna fuck just get out."
"Do they do this often to you?"
"Who are you my fucking shrink? I told you to get the fuck out."
"Jason I just wanna fix the mess I made."
"You think you're my only problem right now Jon? You think I'm laying here drunk like a dumb slut because of some stupid fucking kiss? You're so fucking conceited it's disgusting." I turned over again feeling around for the bottle of jack I brought down. "Just get the fuck out of my house and leave me alone if you don't wanna fuck."
"I'm not leaving you in this state you'll probably kill yourself if you keep drinking like this and don't eat anything." He snatched the bottle off the ground before I could find it. "Geez was this thing full today? There's like a shot left."
"Lemme finish it you piece of shit."
"Absolutely not, that's suicidal."
"Maybe I wanna die fuckwad now give me the fucking bottle." I got up and tried to swipe it from him.
Jon stood back and took a good look at me. "I had no idea Jason. I didn't know you were this bad off."
I chuckled. "Whats wrong? Not the fucking girl you thought I was? Not some dumb lil bitch with zero problems? This is fucking me Jon. This is my fucking life. Now whats gonna happen if you're gonna fucking run away like everyone else does. Like they all do, when they know I'm a fucking mess and they know it's not their fucking problem. Just like Jenna, she's gonna stop talking to me and stay with her stupid fucking asshole of a boyfriend. Just like my fucking parents. They realized they fucked up raising their son and just leave him to cope alone. Nobody wants to deal with a piece of shit like me. I don't wanna deal with me. Now give me the rest of that bottle so I can pass out and stop hating myself for a couple hours." I was on the verge of tears. "GIVE ME THE FUCKING BOTTLE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
He put down the bottle and moved closer.
"DON'T FUCKING COME ANY CLOSER JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING BOTTLE AND GET OUT!"
He didn't flinch and crouched down in front of me.
"DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ENGLISH YOU FUCKING STUPID ASS CHINK? GET THE FUCK OUT." I shouted in his face through my tears.
He grabbed me and didn't let go. "Shh...let it out..." I started bawling on his shoulder. "It's ok Jason I'm not leaving. Just let it out."
"Why do they not help me? Why does everyone run away? I'm fucking worthless. I'm a trainwreck. I'm nothing but a piece of shit." I kept crying, soaking his jacket all the way down his back.
"It's ok Jason I'm here..."
"Why? Why does nobody care?"
"I care I promise..."
He held his place for what seemed like an eternity. He didn't want anything out of me except to vent all my pent up rage and fear. After about an hour I pulled off and made me lay down.
"You need to eat. I have some soup here, if I feed it to you do you promise not to spit in my face?"
I nodded incredibly light headed. I wasn't in the position to fight him.
"Ok now get up so you can get some energy to take a shower and go to bed." He fumbled through the bag of takeout he brought for the container of soup.
He lifted me up with one arm. "It won't burn you just drink what you can." I nodded and opened my mouth when he put the container up to my face. I managed to finish it within 30 seconds. I was clearly incredibly famished and needed the food.
"Alright now go take a shower. I won't look at you naked but I will be around in case something goes wrong. Is that your closet over there?" I nodded again, I was too exhausted to talk after everything that happened. "Ok I'm gonna get you clothes to sleep in. Now take a quick shower so you can get some rest. It's already eleven-thirty and we have school tomorrow." He helped me up. "I'm gonna go into your closet while you undress in the bathroom. Just a 5 minute shower will do now hurry up." He walked away as he said.
I stumbled into the bathroom a turned on the shower. The nice thing about my shower is I had hot water available to me no matter what. I just stood there for a couple minutes, dozing off until Jon knocked on the door. "It's been 10 minutes Jason come on you're probably shriveling up." I rinsed some soap and shampoo for 5 minutes and hopped out.
"Open the door so I can give you your towel and clothes." He handed me my silk pajama bottoms and an oversized teeshirt I won in some online contest.
I walked out to find Jon had borrowed my sweats and took off his shirt leaving him with his dark blue undershirt. "Sorry I'm not leaving you tonight so I borrowed some pants."
"Alright im gonna eat and go to bed on this cot over here. If you need me i'm right here. Get some rest so you don't look like a hungover mess tommorow." He turned around and opened the bag to eat his late dinner.
I walked over to him. "Jon..."
"Can...you...sleep in my bed tonight?"
"I don't think that's right." He shoveled some rice into his mouth. "You're too weak right now to know what you want."
"Will you go to sleep immediately if I do?" He look more annoyed than concerned at this point.
"Ok give me 5 minutes to eat then I'll join you."
I stumbled over to my bed and crashed on it. I was clearly still intoxicated and would pay for it in the morning. After a couple minutes of staring into blank space I felt Jon get under my covers and hold me. He felt so warm and strong, his arms holding me tight. I quickly dozed off in his embrace.
I woke up alone a few hours later hearing the shower running full blast. I looked at my phone, "6:30" I had an hour to get ready. I was contemplating getting up at all today. Last night was exhausting and I honestly didn't remember all the details. I just wanted to lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself some more.
"Come on get up." Jon stood there in a towel. I'd be lying if said he didn't look like a model. He had been working out his chest and abs recently because there was more definition since the last time I saw them. His arms looked slightly bigger too. "I'm gonna borrow more clothes then come back tonight with my own things I hope you don't mind.
"I'm not leaving you alone for a while you're way too unstable to do anything of the sort."
"You're fucking kidding right? What gives you the right?" Clearly I was no longer vulnerable and weak and the hangover was taking over.
"Holy crap Jason I'm just fucking worried about you. Once again i'm not looking to fuck you, I'm genuinely concerned about your wellbeing."
He walked into my closet to find something to wear.
"Jenna's staying tonight you don't need to worry about me."
"Yeah we'll see about that. I heard Mark is having a party tonight, let's see where her loyalties lie. I'm borrowing another pair of sweats, your Trtional shirt and Zedd hoodie. That ok?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Mark is having people over his place while his parents are out of town tonight. I got the mass text last night when I was taking care of you. Fuck this shirts tight, whatever." He threw my hoodie on as he came out of my closet. "You took a shower last night just go throw some clothes on so we can go get breakfast before school."
Jenna wouldn't do that to me. She wouldn't change plans after realizing what I went through yesterday. She doesn't even know about my parents yet.
"Jason, come on don't freak out like this to start the day." He came over and hugged me. My shirt was easily two sizes too small and it was showing as it gripped his arms and chest. "I hope I'm wrong and she's here and I can go home tonight but I can't take that chance."
"Why the fuck do you care so much?"
"Because I can." He loosened his grip on me and kissed me on the forehead. "Because you're worth caring about."
"Stop Jon." I stepped back "We're not together. Stop touching me like we are."
"Sorry, I'll respect your boundaries again." He turned to walk up the stairs. "Your kitchen is bare, lets go get breakfast. I'll wait upstairs for you just hurry up."
I groaned as I went to my sink to not look like a mess. Combed my hair in front of my face, rinsed with some cleanser and applied some eye drops to cover up my messed up bloodshot eyes. After that I walked into my closet and looked for my generic clothes. I decided on being a smurf today with a navy hoodie, light blue shirt and my favorite pair of jeans. They hug my ass well and felt like I was wearing nothing. After grabbing a pack of cigarettes I walked upstairs to see Jon waiting at the door looking at a photo of me when I was younger.
"God you were cute back then too." He looked up and gave me his trademark smirk before opening the door for me. "Come on we have like half an hour." I reluctantly followed him out the door and into his car. "Let's just grab a quick bite at Panera. My treat." He drove onto Plainviell Rd and within 3 minutes we were waiting in the drive-thru line.
"Thanks..." I mumbled as we sat there waiting listening to Jon's ipod
"Huh? Sorry did you say something?"
"Thanks for taking care of me last night...it's not usually that bad it just..."
"Stop talking." Jon looked out the window. "I pushed you way too hard yesterday, I know you're really scared of interacting with other people after what happened when we were younger. I know it was out of line to kiss you and I'm sorry. "
Jon pulled up to the menu, we ordered some bagels and smoothies and we were on our way to school. He parked in the back lot, it wasn't that occupied yet and we were able to sit his hood and enjoy breakfast.
"So you just never eat?"
"I don't like eating alone it makes me think about myself."
"That's not healthy in any way."
"How about you stop giving me the third fucking degree?"
Jon was still getting used to how incredibly caustic I was when I was given advice. He just shook his head and apologized again.
"The fuck is going on here?" Said a rather familiar voice.
Jenna stepped out of the passenger side of a car a couple spaces away.
"Why the fuck are you hanging out with him?"
"He can fucking hang out with who he wants to hang out with bitch."
"Yeah just like you can fuck Vanessa the day he leaves for England right?"
"Why the fuck are you so obsessed with my sex life?"
"Because you're gonna fucking use Jason like every other fucking girl at this school that isn't me."
"And you know this how?"
"Because you're a fucking piece of shit Jon."
"Holy crap you haven't spent more than three hours with me over the past eight months how the fuck can you even judge me off that?"
"I call a user when I see a user Jon. Come on Jason lets go I need a smoke to forget about this piece of shit."
"If anyone's a piece of fucking shit it's you. Who the fuck dates the kid that bullied their best friend?"
"That's none of your fucking business, and Jason said it was ok."
"Really Jason? Do you honestly find this ok?" Jon pointed to Houston finally getting out of his car and walking over the the shouting match that was quickly attracting attention.
"I...Jenna..." My head was spinning again. I didn't know what to say or do. Jenna and Jon needed to stop fighting. Houston needed to get away from me. Jenna was with Houston all night. She was probably going to ditch me to go to his party. I was at a loss of words and just wanted to fucking drink into a stupor again. I felt nauseous. I didn't know what to do.
"Look at what you fucking did Jon. Now he's fucking sick. Way to fucking go." Jenna ran over to me but Jon stopped her.
"You have your boyfriend to worry about since he was more clearly important to see last night when your so called "best friend" had a fucking episode." Jon was ready to punch her in the face. "So go spend time with him. You made your choice. I'll be taking care of him from here on out."
"You can't fucking tell me what to do you piece of shit. Jason I'll be over tonight after school. I'll get someone to cover me for I swear."
"Yeah fucking right."
"NOBODY IS FUCKING TALKING TO YOU."
"Just get out of here already. I'm sure you have Mark have party plans to make anyways."
Houston shrugged and started walking into school. He knew any words he could possibly contribute to the current situation would only make things worse.
Jenna came over to my side and hugged me. "I'm sorry I'll explain everything tonight. Please just make sure he's not there."
"You can actually just fuck off Jenna i'll leave when you actually show up instead of when you say you will."
"HOLY FUCKING CRAP SHUT THE FUCK UP." Jenna looked back at me. "I promise. I would never lie to you." She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek as I crouched down on the side of Jon's car. "I have to go now, text me if you need anything."
"You're so fucking transparent it sickens me."
"The feelings mutual dumbass." And with that Jenna ran to catch up with Houston.
Jon threw the remnants of breakfast in the brown paper bag to throw out then came around and crouched down to be at eye level.
"I'm sorry, I lost my temper there. She just hates me for no reason and I don't know what to do."
"Whatever." I looked away from him. "You both just get angry instead of understanding the other person's side. It's dumb."
Jon got up and looked down at me and scratched the back of his head. "That's fair I guess. She's been your best friend for two years." He turned around looking at the school clock tower. "You have ten minutes to get to homeroom. Don't be late. I'll text you at noon when we both get out and I'm taking you to lunch. I'm not taking no for an answer." He began walking towards school.
I really just wanted to go home and drink myself asleep some more. Within a day everything was spiraling into madness. It's been a while since I had been this stressed. I wasn't a big fan of people fighting over me and I definitely didn't have anyone to talk to now. There really wasn't anything else to do except pick myself up and head to class.
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